In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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