I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
