In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
