Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
