This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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