maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Randomize
