Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
