when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
