I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
