I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
