And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize