So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
