I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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