I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
