Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
