Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
