Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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