My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
