I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
