Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
