I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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