I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
