I think im going to throw up on grandma
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
