i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
