Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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