Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
