im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
