Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize