we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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