Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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