The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
