Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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