if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
