i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
