If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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