you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize