Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
