Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
