My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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