Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
