why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
