well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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