she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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