life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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