Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Apparently you make a good broom.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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