he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
