Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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