yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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