Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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