Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
