okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize