my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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