the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
