my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
