Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
