I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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